In the past year, my family has been hit with a lot. Last year, my oldest aunt was diagnosed with colon cancer. Now, as she is nearing the end of her treatment, we received more shocking news- another one of my aunts has been diagnosed with breast cancer that has spread to her lungs and brain. I've always heard the saying, "We all know someone who has been impacted by cancer" but never has it hit so close to home. I'm getting ready to make a trip back, and I'm hoping that my giggly little man will bring some smiles. Especially since my aunt Carol is the only one in my large family that actually calls and asks to see Caden when we visit.
Anyway, my family could use some prayers right now. And I'm not expecting anyone to donate to someone they don't even know, but I posted her gofundme on my sidebar just in case.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Friday, April 26, 2013
Road to pregnancy
I've had this written up for a while, and I think it is fitting to post since Caden turned six months this week!
I've always wanted to be a mom- that was all I wanted to be ‘when I grew up’. At the same time, I knew that I wanted to make something of myself; I hadn't worked my ass off in school for all those years for nothing. When I met my husband, I was getting ready to leave for college, and when we got married, I was in my second semester at UofA. We would talk about wanting to start a family, but we didn't have an answer for when we wanted it to happen, so we agreed to wait until closer to my graduation.
Our decision became a little clearer when I was diagnosed with endometriosis in March 2011 during surgery to remove an ovarian cyst. For a few months after the diagnosis, I would burst into tears at the thought of what the disease could be doing inside my body. I continued to tell myself, as well as my husband, that we weren't in the right place in our lives to have a baby, but really I think I was just terrified of the thought that I couldn't get pregnant. I kept pushing the thought to the back of my mind, but there was always some kind of reminder that would come out of nowhere. Although I had never even heard of endometriosis until the day before my surgery, somehow it was everywhere in front of me.
Things became even more clear one morning when I was watching The View while drinking coffee. The last segment was about a woman whose mom was her surrogate for her unborn child (crazy, right). The woman was in her late 20's and had been diagnosed at 22 with endometriosis. By the time she got married and began trying to start a family three years later, the disease had made her infertile. I literally felt my stomach drop. Three years. That evening, I told my husband about the story. I was too afraid to say the words I wanted to say, so when he grabbed my hand and said, "Let's have a baby," I felt like I could finally breathe.
So, I went off birth control. I felt like it was perfect timing because I had an appointment a few weeks later to follow up with my doctor after going to pelvic floor physical therapy. At the appointment, I was ready to talk to the doctor about my endometriosis and getting pregnant, but I was sideswiped with another diagnosis: fibromyalgia. At the end of the appointment, Chris and I explained our desire to want to start trying for a baby, and she tried to discourage us. First, she told me that my body wasn't ready for pregnancy- I needed to learn how to manage my fibro pain first. When I insisted that I could handle any extra pain it caused and that I was worried I would become infertile if I waited, she threw another punch: with the pain I was in and the stress of Chris's looming deployment, I would not be able to get pregnant in the next few months. I felt like I had just reached the top of a hill, and she pushed me back down. I cried on the way home because I could not wrap my head around the fact that not only did I have to accept that I have another chronic pain disorder, but I had another strike against my chances of getting pregnant.
When we got home and talked about what we just learned, Chris kept saying that he was nervous about the toll that pregnancy could put on my body, but I just kept telling him that I could handle anything.. No amount of pain could stop me from having a baby. There was no way I could even consider listening to the doctor and waiting until I got my fibro under control, because I didn't have time. Chris was leaving for deployment in 6 months, and I had no idea how long until my endo got bad enough to make me infertile (or if it had already). So we agreed to continue trying.
I knew I wasn't going to get pregnant that first month, but when aunt flo visited, I couldn't help but be upset. I had downloaded an ovulation calendar on my phone, which was really difficult to use and really inaccurate for someone who had been on continuous birth control and only had 4 periods a year, so I knew it wasn't going to work for us. About three months in, I decided to take another pregnancy test because my period was only two days late, but I knew that I was going to see a negative sign. When we were down to the last three months, I bought an at home ovulation kit, but once again we got a negative signs. I had spent the past eight months hoping and praying, and being off birth control put me into so much pain- I felt so defeated. Two weekends before Chris left for deployment, I got a positive sign on the ovulation stick, but I honestly had given up at that point.
I've always wanted to be a mom- that was all I wanted to be ‘when I grew up’. At the same time, I knew that I wanted to make something of myself; I hadn't worked my ass off in school for all those years for nothing. When I met my husband, I was getting ready to leave for college, and when we got married, I was in my second semester at UofA. We would talk about wanting to start a family, but we didn't have an answer for when we wanted it to happen, so we agreed to wait until closer to my graduation.
Our decision became a little clearer when I was diagnosed with endometriosis in March 2011 during surgery to remove an ovarian cyst. For a few months after the diagnosis, I would burst into tears at the thought of what the disease could be doing inside my body. I continued to tell myself, as well as my husband, that we weren't in the right place in our lives to have a baby, but really I think I was just terrified of the thought that I couldn't get pregnant. I kept pushing the thought to the back of my mind, but there was always some kind of reminder that would come out of nowhere. Although I had never even heard of endometriosis until the day before my surgery, somehow it was everywhere in front of me.
Things became even more clear one morning when I was watching The View while drinking coffee. The last segment was about a woman whose mom was her surrogate for her unborn child (crazy, right). The woman was in her late 20's and had been diagnosed at 22 with endometriosis. By the time she got married and began trying to start a family three years later, the disease had made her infertile. I literally felt my stomach drop. Three years. That evening, I told my husband about the story. I was too afraid to say the words I wanted to say, so when he grabbed my hand and said, "Let's have a baby," I felt like I could finally breathe.
So, I went off birth control. I felt like it was perfect timing because I had an appointment a few weeks later to follow up with my doctor after going to pelvic floor physical therapy. At the appointment, I was ready to talk to the doctor about my endometriosis and getting pregnant, but I was sideswiped with another diagnosis: fibromyalgia. At the end of the appointment, Chris and I explained our desire to want to start trying for a baby, and she tried to discourage us. First, she told me that my body wasn't ready for pregnancy- I needed to learn how to manage my fibro pain first. When I insisted that I could handle any extra pain it caused and that I was worried I would become infertile if I waited, she threw another punch: with the pain I was in and the stress of Chris's looming deployment, I would not be able to get pregnant in the next few months. I felt like I had just reached the top of a hill, and she pushed me back down. I cried on the way home because I could not wrap my head around the fact that not only did I have to accept that I have another chronic pain disorder, but I had another strike against my chances of getting pregnant.
When we got home and talked about what we just learned, Chris kept saying that he was nervous about the toll that pregnancy could put on my body, but I just kept telling him that I could handle anything.. No amount of pain could stop me from having a baby. There was no way I could even consider listening to the doctor and waiting until I got my fibro under control, because I didn't have time. Chris was leaving for deployment in 6 months, and I had no idea how long until my endo got bad enough to make me infertile (or if it had already). So we agreed to continue trying.
I knew I wasn't going to get pregnant that first month, but when aunt flo visited, I couldn't help but be upset. I had downloaded an ovulation calendar on my phone, which was really difficult to use and really inaccurate for someone who had been on continuous birth control and only had 4 periods a year, so I knew it wasn't going to work for us. About three months in, I decided to take another pregnancy test because my period was only two days late, but I knew that I was going to see a negative sign. When we were down to the last three months, I bought an at home ovulation kit, but once again we got a negative signs. I had spent the past eight months hoping and praying, and being off birth control put me into so much pain- I felt so defeated. Two weekends before Chris left for deployment, I got a positive sign on the ovulation stick, but I honestly had given up at that point.
When Chris left for deployment, we decided that he would
call on the second Friday so I could tell him the news, good or bad. A week and
a half passed, and on Tuesday I was standing in the living room when a
terrible cramp hit me, and I doubled over onto the couch. The next few hours I
spent curled up in a ball in pain, thinking that I was about to start my
period. My cramps had been terribly painful the past two years; it was nothing
new for me, so I took a vicodin like I normally did, but this time I was
distraught because it meant I wasn’t pregnant. When my cramps went away that
night, I was so confused, normally my cramps put me in bed for three or four
days before they start to get better. The next two days, I couldn’t stop thinking, “What if I had been pregnant but had a miscarriage?” I knew that I was
supposed to wait until Friday morning to take the pregnancy test, but something
was telling me not to wait, so at about 11pm on Thursday I did. Unlike every other time I
had taken a pregnancy test, this time I felt oddly calm. After the two minutes, I checked the test and
saw two lines.. not pregant.. my heart dropped because I thought for sure this was it. As
the tears came, something didn’t feel right, so I reread the pamphlet that came
with the test, and sure enough, I had read it wrong. Two lines meant positive,
I was pregnant. It was a moment of relief, happiness, and loneliness at the
same time. I wanted so badly to share this amazing news with my husband, but I
had to wait who knew how long for him to get the ok to call me.
When Chris finally called the next afternoon, I was bursting
at the seams to tell him the news. I will never forget the way he choked up and
said “I’m so happy” in the sweetest voice.
 |
| My 'I just found out I'm pregnant' mirror picture |
If you actually made it through reading this whole thing,
thank you for listening! And if you have written your ‘road to pregnancy,’ I would
love to read it!
Linking up at Life of Faith
Linking up at Life of Faith
Friday, April 19, 2013
Friday's Letters
Dear Boston Victims, My heart truly goes out to you. Dear Computer, I feel like your getting ready to die on my anytime now.. You keep warning me that I need to buy a new battery and I have to mess with your screen for five minutes to get it clear. My warranty just wore out, and I really don't want to spend the money to get a new laptop! Dear McDonald's Iced Coffee, At 4:00 yesterday, I decided that I really wanted you for the first time in over a year, so I gave in. And how did you repay me? By keeping me up all night. My son already does a good job at that, thank you very much. Dear Hubby, I am so lucky to be married to a man who may not understand me all the time, but at least accepts me for who I am. The past two weeks, I have been so easily overwhelmed, and it feels really nice to be able to have a shoulder to cry on. Dear Baby Boy, Last night, I went to check on you one more time before going to bed and found you on your belly with your butt in the air. I'm not sure how you learned that in your sleep, but it was oh, so adorable!
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Owning my Blog
When I first started writing this blog, I didn't tell anyone. In fact, I think it was a few months before I even told my husband. I'm not sure why I have been so secretive.. Maybe I'm afraid people will judge what I write or judge me for the simple fact that I have a blog. Anyway, I'm ready to take ownership of my blog, and that means sharing the link on facebook so that my friends and family can read what I'm writing. One reason I decided to make this leap is because I write so much about my little man, and since we live in another state, our family doesn't get to see him much so this is a way for them to be informed about all the milestones he is reaching.
So here's to opening up my blog : )
So here's to opening up my blog : )
Friday, April 12, 2013
Friday's Fancies
J.Crew j crew sweater / True Religion true-religion skinny jeans / ALDO espadrille wedge / GUESS necklace
To me, Spring in Southern Cali means light sweaters, wedges, and soft colors.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
My decision to be a stay at home mom
Chris and I decided very early on that I would stay home with our son. Before getting pregnant, I spent a year working full time as a supervisor at a deli and going to school online. I quit my job a couple weeks before Chris left for deployment so that we could focus on spending time together, and we had already made plans for me to move back home with my mom *just in case* I got pregnant. I moved back to San Diego when I was about six months pregnant, and a day later was offered my old job. I excitedly accepted, since it was something to keep me busy for the month until Chris got home, and the extra income would pay for the whole nursery. I worked for two months, and it was torture. My belly button was right even with the counter, so everytime my belly grazed the counter, I would get a braxton hicks contraction. It was funny to see the reactions of all of my old 'regulars' though- I had left to move back home while my husband was deployed, and showed back up seven months pregnant. I could only imagine what they were thinking.
I stopped working about six weeks before Caden was born and took three months off of school. It really is difficult going to school with a little one- I have to do class work, clean the house, eat, and get my self ready during Caden's short nap times. Chris takes Caden when I need to do homework at night, but that leaves us little time together.
As much as I love staying home with my son, sometimes it gets hard being stuck in the house every day since I'm not used to it. So when I got offered my job back again last week, I'm not surprised that I actually considered it for a minute. I thought about what it would feel like to get out of the house and socialize with coworkers again, the hourly pay I would have to ask for to cover day care, the process of choosing a day care. Then it hit me- the reason I had decided to stay home in the first place. I want to spend every day with my son. I want to watch him learn new things. I want to be the one to put him down for a nap and be there when he wakes up. I have nothing against women who decide (or have to) go back to work. In fact, a few years ago, I didn't know whether I wanted to be a stay at home mom or a business woman. My choice was made clear when I was diagnosed with endometriosis at 20 years old, and we decided to try for a baby a few months later. With two years of school left and an entry level job, I ended up getting exactly what I wanted all along- time to stay home with my babies and time to pursue a career later. It isn't what I originally pictured for my life, but it is absolutely the way I want things to be!
 |
| My last day at work! |
I stopped working about six weeks before Caden was born and took three months off of school. It really is difficult going to school with a little one- I have to do class work, clean the house, eat, and get my self ready during Caden's short nap times. Chris takes Caden when I need to do homework at night, but that leaves us little time together.
As much as I love staying home with my son, sometimes it gets hard being stuck in the house every day since I'm not used to it. So when I got offered my job back again last week, I'm not surprised that I actually considered it for a minute. I thought about what it would feel like to get out of the house and socialize with coworkers again, the hourly pay I would have to ask for to cover day care, the process of choosing a day care. Then it hit me- the reason I had decided to stay home in the first place. I want to spend every day with my son. I want to watch him learn new things. I want to be the one to put him down for a nap and be there when he wakes up. I have nothing against women who decide (or have to) go back to work. In fact, a few years ago, I didn't know whether I wanted to be a stay at home mom or a business woman. My choice was made clear when I was diagnosed with endometriosis at 20 years old, and we decided to try for a baby a few months later. With two years of school left and an entry level job, I ended up getting exactly what I wanted all along- time to stay home with my babies and time to pursue a career later. It isn't what I originally pictured for my life, but it is absolutely the way I want things to be!
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Cloth Diapers
When I was pregnant, I decided that I really wanted to use cloth diapers since it is so
much more eco friendly, but I had no idea where to start. Chris has always been
pretty iffy about cloth diapers, but I finally convinced him when Caden was
about 4 months old. I have discovered that the only way to save money with
cloth diapers is to have a large stash, but since I’m new to this I have
decided to just by a few different brands to see which one I like the best, and
we will just wait to see the $$ savings with the next baby. Besides, it is more
about the sustainability than the money for me. So far in my ‘stash’ I have:
gDiaper ‘hybrids’, Rumparooz cover, Blueberry cover, Shinebaby pocket diaper,
and I’m about to order a few from Alva. Be on the look out for posts on my
review for each brand!
Friday, April 5, 2013
Friday's Letters
 |
| Caden's first Easter |
Dear Sickness, I have spent my whole spring break dealing with you (and Easter weekend); please go away. Dear Lettuce, Your growing so well! I can't wait to try you this weekend. Dear Husband, Thank you for being so sweet to me while I was sick this week, and even waking up with Caden a few nights. Dear Baby Boy, You rolled over for the first time about a month and a half ago. Then a few weeks later, you stopped rolling. So a few days ago, I put you in your crib on your tummy and turned your mobile on so that you would have to roll over to see it. It worked, but I created a monster. Now that you rediscovered your rolling over ability, you don't stop.. As in, you keep rolling until you run into something!
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